The Lone Ranger

I feel sorry for kids growing up today; we've stolen Batman and Superman from them. Rather than pass them down to the next generation, we've gripped them tight to our chests, demanding they grow alongside us. If there's going to be a new Superman, he needs to be dark, gritty and as non-heroic as possible. When I saw The Dark Knight Returns, I was of two minds: one was so unbelievably blown away by the mature and intellectual representation of my favourite comic book character, the other was quietly wondering how totally fucking bored the kids must be. But hey, at least they have The Avengers, right? At least there's one superhero movie that remembers there was a time these sorts of flicks were considered light-hearted fun for the family. Well, for better or worse, they have The Lone Ranger too. This is the sort of movie I would have gone batshit crazy for when I was 9. It's loud, it's wacky and at times it's a lot of fun. But I'm not 9 anymore. I can see the icky, ugly truth this flick's trying to hide. And I'm disappointed that this is the best Hollywood has to offer the kids.

I'm too young for the TV show this movie's based on. I know the staples; I learned about Kemosabe, Hi-Yo Silver and Danana danana dana na na na from Looney Tunes, but their genesis is lost on me. From what I've heard, this ain't a faithful adaptation, but I'm not really one to care. It tells the story of lawyer John Reid, who witnesses the death of his brother to a vicious outlaw, Butch Cavendish, before dying by his hand as well. Enter Tonto, a lone Native American and Silver, a spirit horse who, much at the behest of Tonto, picks John Reid as a "spirit walker," one who cannot be killed in battle. John's resurrected, he thinks Tonto's nuts but he wants to capture Cavendish so he can be tried justly for the murder of his brother, they team up, things happen, they grow as people, they get not what they want but what they need, the movie ends. Oh, and there's a villain in there that's not Butch, because the movie wasn't long enough already.

We'll get the good out of the way first. For all of the criticism that's about to come, I had fun with this movie, for the most part. The action set-pieces, while slightly on the long side, are engaging with enough restraint that prevent them from slipping into Michael Bay Fatigue. Additionally, I mentioned earlier that this is a movie I would have loved when I was growing up. I attribute a lot of that to the old-school approach it takes with its narrative. However shit it ends up, I always get a kick out of a movie that uses the tried-and-true adventure movie formula. I know it's bad to look at something with rose-tinted glasses, but fuck you, I've got to pad this positive paragraph somehow. Last, and least, Johnny Depp is not completely insufferable. Yes, it is pretty much a Native American Jack Sparrow, but God help me, I laughed a couple times in this movie and it was generally because of him.

I mentioned earlier that this movie is covering an ugly side. It's pretty obvious Disney were afraid of making a movie set in America during the mid 1800s. Look no further than Johnny Depp's Tonto. The production team that brought you Pirates of the Caribbean desperately want to continue making a shitload of money off the back of Jack Sparrow, so of course they want Johnny Depp to play that character again as much as possible. But hold on, people may think it's racially insensitive to have an exaggerated, stereotypical Native American played by Johnny Depp channeling Jack Sparrow. Wait, he's part Native American? Well shit, let's make sure he and everyone else involved with this flick mention that in every single interview. Hmm, maybe that's not enough. Of course! His character is insane! And so long as the noble leader of the Comanches backs that up, it's all in the clear! Now, this is not exactly a new concept, nor is it necessarily insulting (to anything other than one's intelligence), but here's the thing: they take that strategy and run, but they also use it to treat Tonto like dogshit for the entire movie. Look no further than the movie's opening: it's 1933, and his former status as a hero of the wild west has been reduced to a fucking freak at a carnival. As he recounts the film's story to a young, wide-eyed fanboy, we see damn near every character belittle him into the ground, but it's okay to make fun of the Indian because he's nuts. After the main credits, the movie ends with a shot of an old Tonto walking through the Texas desert in a cheap suit. He walks until he disappears into the horizon. The audience were waiting for another zinger from Johnny. Instead, they got Gore Verbinski beautifully and hauntingly summarising his egregiously offensive film. I hold onto little hope that most of the blame for this lies in Disney's camp, and Verbinski included this epilogue as a subtle personal apology.

Disney's not done yet, though. About halfway through the movie, Tonto and The Lone Ranger are captured by a Comanche tribe. This serves as a vehicle for The Lone Ranger to learn of Tonto's blood-soaked past, foreshadowing a hidden-in-plain-sight villain and to once again laugh at the nutbag, but to also set up an impending war between the United States Cavalry and the Comanche. Later, about two-thirds in, Tonto and The Lone Ranger are having a wacky chase through a silver mine with dynamite and one-liners such as "These guys are notorious for not dying." Cut in between this tomfoolery is the aforementioned "war". The Comanche appear at the top of a hill. Both sides stare each other down. The Comanche advance. The General sounds the order. Two soldiers remove a blanket from a train car that's concealing a Gatling gun. The leader of the Comanche is the only one to make it to the bottom of the hill alive. He reaches the General, who stabs him in the stomach before he can even raise his weapon. In the next scene, Tonto sits at the river bank, watching the axes and shields of his brothers drift downstream. The Lone Ranger sits beside him. "You were right," he says to Tonto. "Justice, the system, doesn't exist. We have to create it ourselves." Tonto looks into Reid's eyes. "That is why you wear the mask," he replies. I nearly cried. I would have if in the very next moment, I hadn't heard a horse whinny. The camera cuts to the tree beside them. Silver's standing on a branch, high up, wearing a hat. "Something very wrong with that horse," Tonto says. The crowd roared with laughter, and a Disney executive breathed a sigh of relief. Because it's okay to make a movie with exaggerated Native American stereotypes as long as you have a scene reminding the audience that the American Colonisation was a bit of a bumpy ride, regardless of how disrespectful you are to that period of history or whether it even matters to the narrative as a whole. And you should absolutely follow it up immediately with a zany joke that the kids will love, just to make sure everybody forgets they were just reminded of historical genocide. Some folk are getting up in arms that the movie's villain eats the heart of The Lone Ranger's brother, because it's inappropriate for their kids to view that sort of content. I think it's more inappropriate for a child to watch a movie that thinks it's okay to visually bastardise a piece of history in order to protect itself from anyone who has the gall to suggest it's potentially insensitive to a race of people.

The really sad thing is that these complaints are so removable. Their presence exists only to quell any potential backlash, but in the end, it kills the product. It's a damn shame, because the film that surrounds this offensive bullshit is, as I said, genuinely a fun time. Every now and then, I found myself totally immersed in the world, giggling at the wacky shenanigans The Lone Ranger and Tonto had found themselves in this week. The kid in me desperately wants to put the mask on after school and shout "Hi-Yo, Silver. Away!" until the sun goes down. But the adult in me is overpowered by nausea and a strong desire to see Disney punished for their avarice. What's that? It tanked? Well, happy days!